selfish

i might be the most selfish person you will ever know. there are valid reasons why i am being taken for granted (or so i feel) but i cant help but feel bad.

first i got paranoid. thinking he might be talking to her because they are sharing somewhat things in common. it started that night and downhill eversince. i tried to ignore but being suddenly cold is something that would make you think . what did i do wrong? what is up? i am suddenly left in the dark without me knowing what is happening. i have the right to know. but i dont wanna be a burden. i dont want to be one of his worries as of now. but it doesn’t mean i am not gonna feel bad. i just cant tell him. i wont.

my friend said at this crucial time, sometimes words of encouragement is annoying. it would help to just wait for him to open up. i should be patient. i am. i am not telling him anything of what i feel. but it just hurts not to know. or that suddenly i am more of a stranger than his partner. i thought we are on that level where each other is our pillar. but i guess not. i am not. i am still a stranger. out by door, not being let in.

ouch. but what can i do? i wont force myself to anything that i am not supposed to be in. if this is what i am given credit for, then so be it. but it doesn’t mean i’m not hurt by how low i am regarded. or how i am disregArded. i am trying my best to understand. but i sincerely hope there is nothing more to it than need of space. cause i wont take anything more than that.

i am scared of myself. that i might psych myself out to not hurt but go to the extreme of not caring anymore. i dont know where it is gonna go. but i hope not to the end. i hope this will make us stronger and not draw us apart. i love him so much. and if we ever part, it wouldn’t be something this shallow. something more than life would only be worth giving him up.

Lacking

Am I a very discontented person? Is it wrong to look for something that isn’t there? Am I settling?

It hurts when he isn’t sweet when I am expect him too. All this disappointments over failed expectations are just piling up and I can’t seem to start myself to start being rational and kinda just let all the emotions. I’m too much of an emotional person to just let it go and exist like a robot. All according to reason but never have feelings towards it. I think that is worse than being a crybaby. At least you feel something. Look forward to something that will make you happy.

I can now see our differences. Big differences. We are focused but his satisfactory is actually getting the prize. As for me, it is the journey going there and the feeling it will give me. I don’t know how this will fare in the long run.

I’m tired of asking. I’m tired of crying everytime I can’t express or communicate to him what I need from him. It will always be gapped by the thik line between emotion and reason.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen if I start dismissing my emotions. It wouldn’t be pleasant. Maybe it is time to step up and make him feel I have worth in his life. Not just someone.

He used to want me and now I want him more than he wants me. Maybe it did make him slack off or too comfortable. It pains me but I cannot just let myself be crying or hurt most of the time. I only have myself to help me here.

Let’s see what happens.

mad

i dont know but i cry with Neyo’s “MAD” song. it makes me so emotional. it is a positive song but i can’t help but really think. did i just settle? it is really hard to be in love when you are a control freak. you always want to know where it stands.

ahhh, i wish we could go back to the first quarter of our relationship. but i can only keep on wishing. i have never had anything more than one year in my life except for being in school. what”s gonna happen?

my emo side

when he told me i gave him dirty looks like he is going to do something wrong, it ticked him off prompting to tell me he always accomodated what i want because i tend to be disappointed when he doesn’t. it was like the big slap i ever got out of this relationship. and i realize not only break ups can break your heart. dagger like those words stabbed me like i don’t know whether to get hurt or just kill whatever i am feeling to stop hurting.i might be over reacting but how long can i stand his attitude of being too rational to the point of not understanding the human feeling of crying. more and more i wonder why he tells me that he loves me. am i a checklist? am i rational and sound choice? is he really feeling something for me?

when we started, i sincerely believe his love for me but as i get to know him and he is despising emotion as a human flaw, i wonder if that ‘flaw’ is what he is feeling for me. it is unfair for me to question his love for me but sometimes i dont understand anymore how insensitive he can get.

when he told me he had been ‘accomodating me’ i felt like he does things for me out of obligation and not a natural one. i hang out with him at every moment i can, subconsciously forgetting everything. he comes first and then my work. but it seems that nothing i can do would be good enough. yesterday, i felt so disappointed with myself that i have come to such dependence that i hng on to his every word that every criticism he gives me was a disappointment, a simple gesture of a no is rejcection and that i cant do anything if it isn’t with him.

i worked out and as i ran my first 8 laps, i had a lot of thinking to try and live my life as it was before i met him. i cannot recognize myself anymore. the smart and bitchy girl is gone. i have submitted myself that i should be following him to please him. he said he fell in love with me because i was strong, independent and smart. i have to get that back.

maybe he didn’t change. maybe it is me that transformed to wat i thought would be pleasing. i should get a life out of this relationship. they said this phase is for married couple. when you submit yourself and totally cut off from other world, it is pretty understndable because priorities have changed. but i shouldnt be like that now. now i am actually more scared of being married.

there are a lot of times i wish for a lot of things but then again only i cannot take action. i have always said i will accept him for who he is but there is a subconscious effort to turn him to what i want him to be, thus expectations, thus disappointment.

i will love him until i can. i wil only give up when he gives up on me. i will always try my hardest.  and i will always think that i should be thankful that i occupy the small irrational part of this rational being. no one can beat that.

Sad

vERY SAD iNDEED. HOW MANY TIMES DID HE DISAPPOINT ME IN THIS ASPECT? A LOT . I JUST REFUSED TO GET REQLLYREALLY MAD ABOUT IT CAUSE I THINK IT IS NOT WORTH MY TIME. BUT TONIGHT, I THINK I HAVE TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN AND MAKE HIM THINK TEICETWICE. HE CANNOT GO ON THINKING IT IS ALRIGHT. I DO MY BEST TO PLEASE HIM BUT IF I DONT GET IT BACK, THEN HE IS TAKING ME FOR GRANTED. IF I LET IT HAPPEN NOW, THE MORE IT WILL HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE. I MUST DRAW THE LINE THAT MY PATIENCE HAS A LIMIT.

hai naku

nothing is handed in silver paltter anymore. reality is., i have to work hard to get what i want.  and i mean hard. there are lots of options out there but i have to chase it and the more i go out of my way, the more elusive it gets. i guess being happy is a state. and it is not easy.

 

i have 11 months left. and reality is, i need to work to make me stay here and start building my life here. if i don’t take quick actions and be firm for what i want, time would just pass me by and before i know it, my time is up. i will just be left wondering, why did i let it pass?

 

it is not that happy days are over. it is making me work hard and if things don’t workout despite my effort, then it is time to head to the door. but i hope not. i hope it will bear fruit.

 

im doing a lot now. my ielts upcoming exam, request for DOLE amd request for certificate of employment. it should be that hard. i wish it shiuld be that hard.

 

so help me God.

 

side drip:

 

love life is cool. we are on the okay level now. not much longing. but happy. it is our anniversary on the 11th. almost just three weeks to go

i will surpass this.  with flying colors.

forward

i can’t be crying on my problems.  i should be strong and just make solutions instead of pitying myself. i am a fighter. i have survived a lot. this is just a small hurdle.

 

i am worried about my health though not really on being pregnant.. i just hope i will just have some hormone pills and that is it. someday i would want babies, but not yet in the near future. i have a lot of stuff to do for myself. a lot to want.

 

my family problem is getting hopeless. i cant help them anymore. i asm just waiting for time to make it okay. i still love them.

 

i am going to start being healthy tomorrow. eat more veggies and fruits. go to the doctor.

i will also save and ivest my money. find english test and follow up my dole certificate.

i need to work on the collage too. i gotta have more time for myself.

testing my patience.

why do i have to do things twice? two is a charm? ugh. i am soo disappointed and it is taking too much work. but he is right. i should not be thinking of what i am spending now. i should think of the long term. and i dont wanna delay it more. hai. im never a quitter. i will never give up!

what’s up?

so far so good.  not much drama happening which for me is very good. i love him more than ever but im getting better than the clingy type anymore. i guess that after sometime, everything will be in status quo but it doesn’t mean plateau. it’s just that i feel secure now more than ever. i want us to grow together and grow old together. i have yet to figure what i wanna do in my life.

 

since coming to canada, my life changed. a lot. im liking it although some things have taken the backseat. but i cannot be stagnant in just one state. i need to move and get want i want after some time. and i think now is the perfect time to plan.

 

so what do i want?

option 1 : go back to school after i get my PR. i hope to God that my nomination comes up fast and my PR comes out before my contract expires. is one year possible? nothing is impossible.

option 2: become an rn. if i get approved before november, there will a big chance that i can take the february exam. so i will have a chance to have a better job and better pay.

 

option 3: move to vancouver. that is our ultimate goal to fulfill in three years. and again, nothing is impossible.

 

what i gotta do.

number 1: save money. invest. and i should be firm on that. if i don’t start it now, it would be never. i should never touch my savings account. as in never until we move.

 

number 2: be more productive than just hang around with him all day. don’t take me wrong. being with him is the highlight of my day but we gotta have our own lives too. not seeing him would make us miss each other more.

 

number 3: what do i want to do? still can’t figure at the moment. maybe i will when i have more time to think and not distracted with stuff.

 

im happy now. despite family problems. all will be clear in due time.

new us. new me.

i dunno what i feel. maybe it is back to zero minus the fact that i am inlove with him.  i just meant to air out my feelings yesterday and then i just kept on saying things and the truth came out. i think i have lost myself and i have become a different person. not that it is his fault. i am always a pleaser and i thought it is for the best. from giving the cold shoulder to tears and angst, we finally came to a mutual agreement. i don’ exactly know what it is but i know it will be beter. only that i get to be me. and that i wouldn’t have to worry about other people or if we will fight on disagreements or not.

 

i cried when he said it made him happy when we started dating because somebody is challenging him and he thought we’d grow together. then i started blending in, comforming until i was just stuck in saying yes all the time.  he said he loves me and i asked why would anybody want me? i guess i didn’t believe in myself more than anyone else and that’s where the problem is. i don’t have confidence in him and me.

 

but all that is changed now. he said he wouldn’ t give up on me and we will work it out. and we will work it out.

 

then comes the drunk people conversation. we said we love each other, won’t give up and grow old together. i dunno why i started asking if he is going to marry me. he said one day. but not now. i said i don’t want to get married now either because i have a lot of things to do too.  and he said if marrying me is the only way to keep me here, he will. but that is one thing i wouldn’t want to happen. i will not do that just for the heck of citizenship. if he wants to be married with me, it should be for the right reasons and not for anything else. and i don’t want to get married while i am not yet a permanent resident here. to prove to everybody i am in this relationship cause of him. okay, it is thinknig of what other people will say, but it is but of right reasons cause i don’t know if i am ready for that in two years time. still a lot of stuff to do. i just wanted to find out if he will one day want to settle down with me.

 

he said it is just legality. i used to say why do people think it is the ultimate expression of love? but i guess time comes when you realize, you want someone for the rest of your life.

 

but i know i gotta take it easy. enjoy our time together, have fun, no more fights and pretenses, no more crying, no more sensitive me, no more expectations. everything will be fine.

 

i love him and he loves me. and no ones giving up. that’s the most important thing.