i dunno what i feel. maybe it is back to zero minus the fact that i am inlove with him. i just meant to air out my feelings yesterday and then i just kept on saying things and the truth came out. i think i have lost myself and i have become a different person. not that it is his fault. i am always a pleaser and i thought it is for the best. from giving the cold shoulder to tears and angst, we finally came to a mutual agreement. i don’ exactly know what it is but i know it will be beter. only that i get to be me. and that i wouldn’t have to worry about other people or if we will fight on disagreements or not.
i cried when he said it made him happy when we started dating because somebody is challenging him and he thought we’d grow together. then i started blending in, comforming until i was just stuck in saying yes all the time. he said he loves me and i asked why would anybody want me? i guess i didn’t believe in myself more than anyone else and that’s where the problem is. i don’t have confidence in him and me.
but all that is changed now. he said he wouldn’ t give up on me and we will work it out. and we will work it out.
then comes the drunk people conversation. we said we love each other, won’t give up and grow old together. i dunno why i started asking if he is going to marry me. he said one day. but not now. i said i don’t want to get married now either because i have a lot of things to do too. and he said if marrying me is the only way to keep me here, he will. but that is one thing i wouldn’t want to happen. i will not do that just for the heck of citizenship. if he wants to be married with me, it should be for the right reasons and not for anything else. and i don’t want to get married while i am not yet a permanent resident here. to prove to everybody i am in this relationship cause of him. okay, it is thinknig of what other people will say, but it is but of right reasons cause i don’t know if i am ready for that in two years time. still a lot of stuff to do. i just wanted to find out if he will one day want to settle down with me.
he said it is just legality. i used to say why do people think it is the ultimate expression of love? but i guess time comes when you realize, you want someone for the rest of your life.
but i know i gotta take it easy. enjoy our time together, have fun, no more fights and pretenses, no more crying, no more sensitive me, no more expectations. everything will be fine.
i love him and he loves me. and no ones giving up. that’s the most important thing. 
