when he told me i gave him dirty looks like he is going to do something wrong, it ticked him off prompting to tell me he always accomodated what i want because i tend to be disappointed when he doesn’t. it was like the big slap i ever got out of this relationship. and i realize not only break ups can break your heart. dagger like those words stabbed me like i don’t know whether to get hurt or just kill whatever i am feeling to stop hurting.i might be over reacting but how long can i stand his attitude of being too rational to the point of not understanding the human feeling of crying. more and more i wonder why he tells me that he loves me. am i a checklist? am i rational and sound choice? is he really feeling something for me?
when we started, i sincerely believe his love for me but as i get to know him and he is despising emotion as a human flaw, i wonder if that ‘flaw’ is what he is feeling for me. it is unfair for me to question his love for me but sometimes i dont understand anymore how insensitive he can get.
when he told me he had been ‘accomodating me’ i felt like he does things for me out of obligation and not a natural one. i hang out with him at every moment i can, subconsciously forgetting everything. he comes first and then my work. but it seems that nothing i can do would be good enough. yesterday, i felt so disappointed with myself that i have come to such dependence that i hng on to his every word that every criticism he gives me was a disappointment, a simple gesture of a no is rejcection and that i cant do anything if it isn’t with him.
i worked out and as i ran my first 8 laps, i had a lot of thinking to try and live my life as it was before i met him. i cannot recognize myself anymore. the smart and bitchy girl is gone. i have submitted myself that i should be following him to please him. he said he fell in love with me because i was strong, independent and smart. i have to get that back.
maybe he didn’t change. maybe it is me that transformed to wat i thought would be pleasing. i should get a life out of this relationship. they said this phase is for married couple. when you submit yourself and totally cut off from other world, it is pretty understndable because priorities have changed. but i shouldnt be like that now. now i am actually more scared of being married.
there are a lot of times i wish for a lot of things but then again only i cannot take action. i have always said i will accept him for who he is but there is a subconscious effort to turn him to what i want him to be, thus expectations, thus disappointment.
i will love him until i can. i wil only give up when he gives up on me. i will always try my hardest. and i will always think that i should be thankful that i occupy the small irrational part of this rational being. no one can beat that.
